Please be kind as this topic is a pain point for me. I’m feeling the pressure of finding my significant other because I’m at an age where it seems like everyone in my social media feed is getting engaged, married, or having kids. The issue is I have a huge transition coming up and will have to move in a few months to a place that is a few hours away by car. I will have a lot more free time soon before moving, but then after I’ve moved to the new location I will be extremely busy and worry that I won’t be able to sustain a relationship, let alone a long distance one. However, I am very aware that the clock is ticking and something else to consider is that I need to rely heavily on dating apps currently, whereas there would likely be more potential suitors where I’m headed to. What if I do find the right person during this seemingly short window of time? What if we could make the long distance work or he wanted to move with me? Or do you think it is smarter and there is more potential for me to meet someone at the new location after getting situated? Any advice or suggestions are welcome. Thank you!
IMO you should date now but if you click with someone definitely be upfront about your upcoming move.
A couple of months after my husband and I started dating, he got a really good job offer in another state. He told me about it, and I didn’t ask him to stay, nor did I want to follow him. I figured if it was meant to be, even if he moved, we would still find our way back to each other someday. He decided to stay. We’ve been together 23 years.
Depends on how you do relationships. Like for me, I need a long time to really get over someone and like long term relationships, so I wouldn’t.
IMO, I never have looked to date. I don’t even know how that works. I just live my life and if someone I encounter is interesting great, if no one is, that is fine too. I have to be happy as just me doing me things to be happy with someone else that does someone else things and maybe meet them in the middle. Otherwise it is going to end ugly.
I’m the same way unfortunately. I get emotionally attached and invested. I know many have said it is a good thing to be pure and trusting in romance, rather than jaded and give up, but I keep getting hurt by those who are not meant to be and feel like time goes by so fast. Sometimes I think it would be nice to not feel as much and be able to have a not so serious traditional long term relationship especially with these upcoming circumstances.
Don’t stress about time. All of that is in your head, I promise. Like, I got hit by a car riding a bicycle to work 10 years ago and disabled in a weird way where my only limitation is holding posture. I’m in near social isolation but home life is almost normal-ish. I know I have nothing to offer anyone so I don’t bother trying. You can function like this. If you were in prison or disabled, you would be forced to make the best of the situation. It is not the end of the world; not easy, but not the end of the world.
I used to say, never ask for what you are unwilling to give in a relationship, and never expect more than you have to offer. It was a brutal perspective for my present circumstances, but it is still just as true. The most loving gift I can give a future potential love is to never go looking for them. To never put them through what I am experiencing and will eventually experience. I don’t know them and never will, but that is the best gift I can give them.
So the question you’re asking is not really the right one in my opinion. You should be asking if you would value the situation and how you would act if the roles were reversed.
I had a partner once that thought she was doing this same thing, about to move away in a couple of months. Then she met me and I flipped her priorities in life completely for the next 2 years. You may find a similar dilemma if you choose to meet someone. So, would you date you even if you baited yourself into a long distance situation?
Thank you so much for your input. So sorry to hear what you’ve had to go through! It really puts everything into perspective and I hope you are doing better each day. You seem like a very strong person who can hold his own without feeling the need for a partner the way I feel due to societal pressures, and I respect that.
A lot to think about and reflect on, I appreciate it. For the question in your comment, is it essentially asking if I would date someone who asked me to do long distance in the event the roles were reversed? Or was it more like would I proceed with the long distance relationship if I convinced myself to try for it and asked the other person if they wanted to do that with me?
The question is directed at you to your inner self. I am saying try to step outside of your inner voice's first person consciousness; like you are the objective third person narrator of your life and interactions with others. From this perspective, you can see many things more clearly. This region of the mind is the location of "hindsight is twenty twenty."
None of us can objectively enter this third person perspective in the present or the future easily. In my mind I can picture something like a computer game. It could be Mario, Zelda, Warcraft; any game where the player controls the character from a third person perspective.
Once you have this image in your mind; yourself on a screen in a game, it is not much more of an abstraction to change characters in the game. Now, in the game you write the narrative of your ideal partner; the person you are hoping this meet. Put yourself into the mind of that character like you’ve been playing as them in this game of life every day for years. What are your goals, where are you at in life, what do you want and need out of that relationship, etc.; become them in abstract within your mind.
Now, insert an encounter between the ideal partner you are playing and your inner self in this game. You hit it off well and enjoy spending time together. After a few casual dates, things evolve into feelings. Your game character gets to the point of infatuated addiction when suddenly the opposing character tells you that they have plans to leave the area, and that they had known about this all along.
I can’t continue this story for you without inserting my biases (more than I already have). Only you can answer if this kind of situation would bother you in practice. I am telling you that, the only way to know what is right or wrong for you, is if you can be objectively honest with yourself and assess the situation from a third person narrative perspective. If you can step back and say, “if someone did this to me, it would not bother me at all” then go ahead and do it. If the opposite is true, you will feel guilty in the end because your emotions and logic are in conflict. That inner conflict will eventually manifest as an external issue, likely through a mechanism called cognitive dissonance until it is resolved.
I had a particularly hard time with the feelings you have mentioned; feeling that need to be in a relationship. It was more of an issue when I was in my early to mid twenties (in my late 30’s now). I think a lot of that feeling of need is the withdraw that accompanies shifting from life in school to adult life. I really wish someone had been able to tell me that humans are not cognitively fully formed until age 25 when the prefrontal cortex is fully formed. That is one factor, while introversion and extraversion are another major contributor. I’m introverted, so it is easier for me to be independent. I still have social needs, but I can fill those with places like here. Anyways, in retrospect, the person I was in my early to mid twenties, the one that thought he needed a relationship to be happy, he didn’t actually know himself very well. He was looking for himself in the wrong places. The things he learned that allowed him to mature and grow were many, but some were, an enjoyable daily exercise routine, a regular reading habit, and allowing his curiosity to run wild into interests.
I could spend hours writing about that journey, but in a sentence, this is where I found myself and who I really am. The growth that came from this chapter of my life was immense and I am so glad that I wasn’t struggling through that with someone else that may have had a shorter book or some different chapters in life. What I’m trying to say is that, you may find yourself in a similar vain if you take the time to get to know yourself.
Everything in life is just brain chemistry. In other words, everything about the human experience is a managed addiction. From the food you eat, to your circadian rhythm, to work, play, cleaning, reading, and relationships, it is all fundamentally a managed addiction. Your metabolic rate and its day to day average consistency will determine a lot about how you feel. If you engage in an endurance exercise daily, it will largely remove several inconsistencies related to what when and how you eat and sleep. This will balance hormones and becomes a major endorphin source. For me it was cycling, and still is in limited form. That will give you the emotional independence you need in order to explore yourself more. It takes 2 months to work your way into a solid routine that will then slowly shift and become harder to quit than it is to continue.
You do you. I’m just telling you what worked for me and explaining it like I am talking to my former self, and assuming you are of a similar age and mind. Those are big assumptions, so sorry if they miss the mark.
So potential way to approah this, could you seek out a relationship that you plan on ending around when you move? That could push you to date someone you might not otherwise or do things you might not otherwise which could be a good experience and potentially expand your pallette. Really depends on your experience and “skill” with dating, but some food for thought at least
I did something similar when I went back to college, I decided to focus hard on trying new things and meeting new people and generally forced myself to be far more social than I would otherwise be comfortable being and through that process I became a much better version of myself
I would recommend against apps intended for dating. The companies that run then are not in the business of setting to successful relationships but making money off of repeat customers. Better to engage in social activities where you can find people who you have things in common with.
I’m feeling the pressure of finding my significant other because I’m at an age where it seems like everyone in my social media feed is getting engaged, married, or having kids.
Do YOU want these things?
What if I do find the right person during this seemingly short window of time? What if we could make the long distance work or he wanted to move with me?
First, thing that I’d like to advise here is that you shouldn’t worry about this. It’s not pretty and romantic but, there is no “one” for anyone. And I don’t mean that in a nihilistic way. There are many “ones” out there for every one of us. It’s all about being in the right place, right time, and condition. There are over 8 billion humans on this planet. That number of so large that it is literally impossible for humans to envision and comprehend the quantity. The chances of there not being a potential partner for you with a high level of compatibility is vanishingly small.
As for if you were to find someone, be honest from the beginning. If they make it problematic, then they are not respecting you and they’re not a “one”.
Or do you think it is smarter and there is more potential for me to meet someone at the new location after getting situated?
I think that you should ask yourself what you want in life, overall, as well as what you want now. It sounds like you are fairly young so, you likely need to explore more and discover who you are and want to be. Dating or just plain socializing is probably a good way to keep up your social skills but also to learn more about yourself and others. But don’t think that this are the only choices. You don’t have to date. You don’t have to marry. You don’t have to ever have kids. Those are your decisions, noone elses. Hell, you could even be aro/ace. And that’s just fine and worth exploring as well if none of that relationship stuff draws you.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful insight! It’s funny in a not so funny way how growing up I was like of course I will eventually settle down, get married, and procreate. Probably meet a “one” by 22, 23 and marry a few years later. Yeah that sounds like a great plan. And then reality hit, including a pandemic. Long story short, I’m not sure if I want kids and can’t fathom all the work that comes with that but I’m also not closing the door on it.
8 billion humans yet the ones I’ve tried loving were either emotionally unavailable, looking for something different, or a narcissist (most recent and hurt the most even after all the other boys). It almost makes me wonder if I’m incompatible with a relationship.
I appreciate the safe space and validation to forget what I think I should do and prioritize what I want to do. I probably sound really dark about this topic but it helps having support from kind samaritans like you. We’ll see what happens. If you don’t mind me asking, did this all work out for you? Winding road or fairly easy?
If you don’t mind me asking, did this all work out for you? Winding road or fairly easy?
I don’t mind at all. For me, it’s definitely been a more winding road, complicated by things outside of my control and really childhood trauma (not a path that I particularly recommend, given the choice) but, now in my mid-30s, I’d not change it much, even if it were possible. My teens and early twenties weren’t great but looking back, it was primarily due to a lack of maturity, knowledge, and experience. It wasn’t easy but, I did get to know myself better and crossed paths with a woman who has become a better partner to me than I thought possible.
We all have different paths, easier or harder at different times. If I knew some of the things that I do now, certainly, it would have been easier.
Probably meet a “one” by 22, 23 and marry a few years later. Yeah that sounds like a great plan. And then reality hit, including a pandemic. Long story short, I’m not sure if I want kids and can’t fathom all the work that comes with that but I’m also not closing the door on it.
Sure, early twenties may be a good age for some lifelong relationships but, it really is still young adulthood, with a lot of growing and self-discovery yet to come. For some, growing together with a partner is a great experience, for some, they grow apart, and others are better exploring solo.
And don’t let any of that garbage about a woman’s “value” after 30 or 35 plant itself in your mind (or pull it out by the roots of it made its way there). None of that is based on real biological science, but rather bunk from the 19th century. Biologically, someone with a uterus is generally able to conceive until menopause (usually about mid-40s), if they don’t have physiological limitations, and even then, there are options for people who want children but are unable to conceive themselves.
Despite what many social pressures try to convince you, you don’t have to rush into parenthood. Your ovaries don’t become dried-out husks nor does a woman become untouchable at the stroke of midnight on their 30th birthday. If you’re not yet sure if you want kids, it’s probably a safe bet that you’re not yet ready, if you ever will be. You’re a human being and have more value and worth than your ability to have children.
8 billion humans yet the ones I’ve tried loving were either emotionally unavailable, looking for something different, or a narcissist (most recent and hurt the most even after all the other boys). It almost makes me wonder if I’m incompatible with a relationship.
Oh my! Yes. I get you entirely on that and I’ve been in a similar place, myself. Narcissists can really cut deep and leave people with a lot of self-doubt and wounded self-esteem. It’s important to remember that the hurt that they cause is because of their illness and not your fault. If you’re still reeling a bit, it could be a good time to focus on self-care.
Sure. Maybe you are the sort of person that relationships don’t work for but, I’d suggest that it sounds more like you’re still hurt. I think that you’d be much happier in both the short and long-term, and be a better partner in a future relationship (should you choose to pursue one) if you take some time to yourself to figure out more of what you want and what makes you, as an individual, happy and content.
Honestly, the thing that helped me find a solid long-term relationship was to stop looking for one and focus on my own growth. If you are happy and confident with yourself, you’ll be less likely to find yourself in toxic relationships or existential crises.
Thank you so much for taking the time to shed light onto a topic that can get dark. It really gives me hope. You seem like an incredibly wise and insightful person. I would’ve loved to be friends with you if we happened to initially connect in person but we can be online pals! I am glad to hear everything worked out for you and that you are happy in a strong relationship :)
You’re very welcome and thank you for saying so. If sharing what I’ve learned from my experiences and those of others gives you useful insights, I’m glad to hear it and couldn’t hope for anything greater.
As for friendship, certainly. I’m not always great at timely responses but feel free to DM, if you’d like a second opinion on anytime, need to chat, or just feel like it.
Thank you so much, it means a lot to me! Sorry I’m just now returning and catching up on messages
Ya I think you should :) You might find someone worth the long car drives.
It’s better to live life today than wait for tomorrow.
If nothing else it keeps you in practice for dating, and maybe you will find someone who is moving to your new area anyway.
I keep going back and forth unable to decide. It’s a valid point. I’m just so afraid to open up too much only to have to walk away or one of us not wanting to do long distance. Maybe I should try putting effort into my appearance and sitting alone at a cafe/bar because there is a fatigue with dating apps. I was dating December 2023-Feb 2024 using 1 app and was exhausted so if anything I don’t think that app is working out
You have to find what works for you. Being on the app and talking to people is no commitment. And you can meet people and do events just for friendship. It will keep you social. Never hurts to expand your network
my social media feed
Is it possible that social media is the cause of this anxiety?
It is definitely possible and I have spent much less time on social media overall these recent years. Societal expectations/norm, family asking, my own internal thoughts contribute surely contribute too. How does one look past all of these reminders?
It is definitely possible and I have spent much less time on social media overall these recent years. Societal expectations/norm, family asking, my own internal thoughts contribute surely contribute too. How does one look past all of these reminders?
At the end of your day, year, or lifetime, none of those other people’s opinions matter. You are the one who will be most impacted by your decisions and experience the benefits or consequences, not them. Please do not make major life decisions because of others’ expectations. Get married, or don’t, have kids, or don’t but make these decisions because they are what you want in life. You are responsible for your life.
I’d also recommend continuing to reduce social media consumption, especially corporate social media. These companies are interested in profiting off of your unhappiness and will manipulate the posts that you see to drive “engagement”.
Thank you for your advice :) I know you’re right, it’s often easier said than done but I’ll continue doing my best to trust the process. I’ll try to remind myself that it’ll be that much sweeter when the right person comes along at the right time, if that’s what is meant to happen
If you really want to go on a date, be upfront in whatever app or service you are using. If you have free time, just enjoy yourself because it sounds like you will be busy wherever you are going. Don’t expect to have a long term style relationship in this short time, long distance is difficult and I’d advise against it. But do whatever you think is best, everyone is different including their SO. Best of luck
Thank you so much! That’s exactly what I’m grappling with. If proactively going on dating apps takes so much energy and mindpower, maybe I should fully make the most of the free time now and see what could happen naturally in the new area. Because even though it’s busy there, it would also be easier to keep up to date with one another, so to speak. But then again, back to the limited time frame to even find that person because nothing is guaranteed. Oy, it’s tiring just thinking about it all. For context, I was dating December 2023-Feb 2024 using 1 app and was exhausted so if anything I don’t think that app is working out
I’m feeling the pressure of finding my significant other because I’m at an age where it seems like everyone in my social media feed is getting engaged, married, or having kids.
It would be good to understand why do you think it’s important for you what other people do in their lives.
