Well no one is saving for retirement anymore. Climate change will take care of that. Live it up.

Someone asks me what’s a good show or movie to watch

Me who has watched all of them: “I don’t know”

Well I don’t plan my trips last minute like some harlot.

Only plebs wait in line. I put my request in an envelope, a government servant picks it up at my door and takes it to more government servants who do all the work before hand delivering it back.

Wow, I didn’t realize hipsters existed in 1902. I thought they were invented in Echo Park in the 2000s.

It’s just easier to throw it out and steal another

In my list of 9 anime streaming sites a whole total of 0 were affected. You can’t beat piracy this way.

Even in the 90s I was tired of working as a server, so after my lunch shift I went to the cell phone store next door and told them I wanted to sell phones instead of food. Hired me on the spot. The commissions back then were insane. Sign someone up for Nextel, they’d pay us $2500/customer and I’d get 10% of that. If I could only go back and buy apple stock with that money :'(

GTA 6 will be the last one this century.

I can’t wait to find out what happens tomorrow

Some historians say the 3 wise men were led by a pair of big ol’ titties that auspicious night and not a dumb star in the sky. O

Our morals have gotten this loose yet there is not one toppless chick on the view. Not even Whoopie :(

Edit: I forgot about the Martha Stewart Christmas special. A young 12 year old boy became a man that night.

To eat them the trick is to mostly close your mouth but open your lips and suck really hard like

Jokes on you, I prefer my movies in meme format.

I want to be one of those crabs that form a conga line and swap shells.

His first name should have been chad

Yes you should. I was washing mine because of all the fungicide they are coated in while growing, but then I learned from someone on reddit one day that it will clear the fruit fly eggs that are typically around the bud end. You should wash every fruit or vegetable you buy at the store first before eating.

The only seasons in California are sun and fire.

I’ll have you know I’ve never had nonconsensual love with a lake. They’ve always asked for it first.

It’s always getting into holes and hanging with the wrong bunch.