Something something silent auction.

The dad pulls up his pant legs to reveal his rainbow knee highs.

“A man of culture I see.”

Same thing that happened before. You were fine with not existing before hand.

I’m 3/4ths the way there.

“Seventy-Twoth”

Do All Recreational Enhancers!

(Jerry’s apartment. Jerry is sitting on the couch reading a magazine when suddenly Kramer bursts through the door, wild-eyed and disheveled, as usual.)

Kramer: (throws his arms up dramatically) “They canceled me, Jerry! CANCELED!”

Jerry: (startled, looking up) “Canceled? Canceled from what? You’re not even on anything!”

Kramer: “Oh, I’m on something, buddy. I’ve been doing the rounds on KramerTube—my web series! You know, the one where I rate New York City hot dog carts on ‘snap, spice, and sauerkraut consistency.’ It was a big hit!”

Jerry: “Your web series? You’ve been reviewing hot dogs and you got canceled? What, did you say something about ketchup?”

Kramer: “Oh, it was nothing, Jerry! I just mentioned that Eddie’s on 34th has ‘suspicious mustard.’ And BAM! The next day, the internet turns on me. Hashtag ‘CancelKramer!’ It’s trending!”

Elaine: (walking in, curious) “What’s trending?”

Jerry: “Kramer got canceled. Apparently, the mustard was too suspicious.”

Elaine: “You? Canceled? How does someone who already operates on the fringes of society get canceled?”

Kramer: “They’re trying to shut me down, Elaine! My sponsors pulled out. No more free hot dog samples from Louie’s Lunch Shack. And they’re not inviting me to the Annual Hot Dog Summit!”

Jerry: “There’s an Annual Hot Dog Summit?”

Kramer: “It’s a big deal, Jerry! Last year, they gave out a lifetime achievement award to the inventor of the pretzel bun. I was on my way up! And now… I’m OUT!”

George: (bursting in, holding his phone) “Did you hear about this? Kramer’s trending! You’re famous, buddy! You’re a meme!”

Kramer: (suspicious) “A meme? What kind of meme?”

George: (showing his phone) “This one: ‘Suspicious Mustard Guy.’ You’re staring at a hot dog like it’s hiding state secrets. It’s everywhere!”

Kramer: “It’s out of context! Out of context!”

Elaine: “Oh, please. You love this. This is the most attention you’ve ever gotten in your life.”

Kramer: “Not like this, Elaine! They’re calling me ‘The Mustard Menace.’ My reputation is ruined!”

Jerry: “I think your reputation was already on thin ice when you started a hot dog review series.”

Kramer: “I’ll have you know, Jerry, my series was bringing awareness to the integrity of this city’s sausage scene! And now, thanks to the internet mob, it’s all over!”

George: “What’s the problem? You’re famous. Lean into it! Do a redemption tour. Write a mustard manifesto.”

Kramer: (perks up, thoughtful) “Redemption tour, huh? That’s not bad. I could partner with Grey Poupon! Maybe start a charity for underprivileged condiments…”

Jerry: “Sure, because what the world really needs is your hot takes on relish politics.”

Kramer: (snaps his fingers) “This isn’t over, Jerry. I’ll rebuild. Hot dog by hot dog, I’ll clear my name!” (storms out dramatically)

Elaine: (watches him leave) “How long do we give him before he’s banned from another summit?”

Jerry: (smirking) “Two weeks. Tops.”

Something something banana organ.

Idk. I’m not an alien.

Tuna Sandwich

Ingredients:

2 slices Dave’s Killer Bread (21 Seed Variant), lightly toasted

1 can tuna

2 tbsp Hellmann’s mayonnaise

2 tbsp chopped pickles

1 slice muenster cheese

1 slice gruyere cheese

2 slices tomato

A handful of baby spinach leaves

1 tsp Grey Poupon mustard

Salt and pepper, to taste

Instructions:

1. Prepare Tuna Mix: Combine tuna, mayonnaise, and chopped pickles in a bowl.

2. Assemble Sandwich:

• Spread the tuna mixture on one slice of toasted bread.

• Spread Grey Poupon mustard on the other slice.

• Layer muenster cheese, gruyere cheese, tomato slices, and baby spinach leaves over the tuna.

3. Season: Sprinkle salt and pepper to taste.

4. Close and Serve: Place the mustard-coated slice on top, press gently, and enjoy.

Supervolcano eruption.

Raising Cane’s or nothing.

Kinda like the instant coffee my grandma uses. For some reason it has no nutritional information on it at all. Not even caffeine content.

Where does instant coffee fall in this paradigm?

You don’t think MAGA goons would organize constitutional conventions to keep their god king in office?

Gender inequality isn’t solved via paperwork. If anything that would make pay equity even harder to achieve.

Black licorice is best licorice. Red licorice is just a sugar rope. Licorice is anise flavor and is an amazingly complex experience!

Fight me.

The movie Trick 'r Treat, scaring the neighborhood kids, and blowing out all the jack o lanterns at 12:01.

And leave out a bowl of milk and a tray of candies for the demons/fairies overnight.

Haha. It’s always a vibe. Saw a little kid dressed as the warden from Minecraft and I pretended to have the darkness effect and gave him a wad of mini crunch bars. I think he was super happy to get recognized!

And they aren’t hard and fast rules. Just a sliding scale. And after being on candy duty for the last 15 years, you kinda just internalize it.

Plus, Halloween is all about the rules. Say trick or treat. Don’t blow out your pumpkin before midnight so the demons don’t get ya. Always check your candy.

There are rules for my parents house. I give out the candy there and we go through like 30 pounds of it in a night.

Not Saying Trick or Treat? No Candy.

Saying Trick or Treat with no costume? One candy, low tier.

Trick or Treat with Costume? 2 pieces, probably some chocolate.

Trick or Treat with High Effort or Very Unique costume I haven’t seen 10 of all night? 3-4 pieces def some chocolate and a ring pop.

Within that, older siblings escorting younger? Extra piece + glow stick.

Family Costume Set? Extra piece and my mom takes a picture of them.

I scare the shit out of you when I rip the door open? Extra piece?

I scare you and you cry? Extra chocolate.

Babies? Mom deserves an extra piece.

I don’t think I’ll ever be one of those. Tho, TexasDrunk always seems to chime in when he sees me. But it has been a while.

Hi TexasDrunk, hope it was a good Halloween at the bar.