So. Without trauma dumping, I’ll simply say my dad is a bad dad. What’s a father’s day gift that says “you’re dead to me, but I’m still doing things to keep drama at bay”?
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Dead fish 🐟
A sample set of cheap shower gel.
Partially used, or missing one item out of the set.
And if you really want to drive it home, make sure he knows you kept the one item to use yourself.
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I was trying to think of a way to trick him into planting bamboo in his yard, but those are good.
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It can be highly invasive and destructive. That said, there are two types, clumpers and runners, runners are bad. Unless you’re a Panda.
A “World’s Okayest Dad” mug.
Alternatively, a certificate for a free vasectomy.
You go no contact.
The end.
Football merch in his least favorite team.
Hey that would be easy, he hates football!
Buffalo Bills it is!
Sixpack of beer? (Optionally alcohol-free, if his bad behavior is related to alcohol abuse.)
That would be especially funny because he’s Mormon, and he’s very upset I’m not.
A “Moroni is full of bologna” T-shirt?
Copy of the south park episode on Mormons?
Off-brand scented candle set.
It says I don’t know you at all, but here’s your present.
Ooh I like this. Especially since he hates strong smells.
Get something like Bergamont; something so few people actually genuinely like, but smells fancy with a quick whiff. Boring and unexpressive after 30 seconds.
Alternatively, try something like cupcakes or vanilla icing. The kind of candle that would give you a headache.
It’s also practical because the gift is cheap without looking cheap.
I’m sorry to say that I’m speaking from personal experience.
Hm… I wonder if Walmart still has watermelon scented candles. “But dad, it smells just like summer!”
Oh my gosh I had those! They did actually smell good with a quick sniff, but I hated them so much I threw out the rest.
Yeah my wife loved the smell in the aisle, but it got old really fast at home lol
As a bonus, with those cheap candles there’s a decent chance burning them fills his house with toxicity.
Just like him!
I didn’t think Father’s Day gifts were that much of a standard thing. Most I’ve ever done is a text and maybe taking him to dinner or golfing.
So a “happy father’s day” card if you need to get something
What’s his issue? Give him something tangential.
Big drinker? Cheapest bottle opener or a nip of his favorite sauce.
Angry asshole? Get him a therapy ball.
The biggest thing my condescending asshole stepdad taught me was “Kill them with kindness”. If you’re kind in a backhanded way, it’ll piss them off and you can feign innocence.
Personally I’d give him a box of dogshit
Or try to be more of an integrated whole instead of a human-shaped piece of shit, and use weapons as weapons, and kindness as kindness.
A mug, but the handle is too small to be comfortable
you’re dead to me, but I’m still doing things to keep drama at bay
To me it sounds like you’re looking for drama
This
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A “best dad” mug, but you cross out the “best”
If you want to give a gift that’s simultaneously very thoughtful AND a very shitty gift: buy him a pair of knee pads. Refuse to elaborate on why you bought them.
