Hypocrites, draconian believes and the fact that I never felt the so called “presence of God” or of the Holly spirit or anything really

They tried too hard to make me join, but instead I got annoyed

I read the Bible. I watched the way believers treated others, and learned how they saw the world. I realized how poorly adjusted I was for interacting with anyone besides other believers. I left the church and learned how to become a better person. It was a tremendous amount of work, and frankly, I’d rather have learned it earlier.

I consider myself someone who is always in search of truth.

When I realized evangelical Christianity has some hardcore lies and hypocrisy, I left it.

I did eventually find my way back to a more traditional version of Christianity that is interested in truth and love.

I just gave it up 1 day. No life changing event, no bad experience, just a shift in perspective happened, and I basically realised that I did not really need a god. I still practice some things which were part of my religious activities (donating, or serving others), but that is more of general good citizen thing rather than being religious

They weren’t very kind to my family.

What do you mean “ex-believer”? I still use Linux every day.

I read the Bible. I started asking questions about things in the Bible that didn’t match science, I loved science (still do), but nobody wanted to answer my questions, they’d just get mad, so I started seeking information elsewhere and came across atheist or ex-religious sources who answered the questions I had. Those sources also helped me realise the damage that had been done to me mentally, which I’m still working on overcoming.

I was raised Mormon.

The first things that’s very important to know about the Mormon church is that they believe that they are led by direct revelation from god, and that god will never allow the ‘prophet’ of the church to lead the church astray. The ‘prophet’ is the head of the whole church, and Mormons believe he (and the prophet is always a man, because women are always subordinate to men in the Mormon church) receives revelation for the entire church and world. As you go down the chain of authority, each person is supposed to be receiving revelation for the people that are under them. So it is believed that if your bishop–who is a local congregation leader, not at all like a Catholic bishop–asks you to do something in his capacity as bishop, then that’s coming directly from god.

The second thing that’s critical to know about the Mormon church is that every member is very strongly encouraged to pray and ask god to confirm the truth of things. Members are told to read their scriptures (esp. the Book of Mormon) and study the words of Mormon ‘prophets’, and then pray about it. A warm, fuzzy feeling is believed to be the confirmation of the holy spirit that those things are correct; a lack of confirmation means that you need to pray harder, because those things are self evidently (</s>) the word of god.

Got it? Good, continuing on.

I didn’t particularly want to be a missionary, but it was expected that I would become one, so I did. I did not enjoy being a missionary; I absolutely hated it. The mission president–a man that presided over a specific geographical area and group of missionaries–largely did not believe in mental health, and told me to put on a happy face. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and became suicidal. I remember being told that “the light of the holy spirit has left your eyes”, and that the reason that I was suicidal was because I had sinned an allowed Satan into my heart. The solution that was prescribed by religious leaders was to pray more, study my scriptures more, bear my testimony more often, etc., and that I would be fine.

…But I knew that I had not sinned. How could it be that my religious leaders, people that were supposed to have the power from god to receive revelation for me, people that I had been promised would never lead me wrong when they were acting in their religious capacity, would be insisting that I must have sinned? What sin did they think that I had committed? (Spoiler: I’m actually high-functioning autistic, and the lifestyle demanded of missionaries was extremely stressful. That stress was what led to the nervous breakdown.) I was eventually sent to the LDS Social Services, which is a counseling org in the Mormon church; the church as a whole is very skeptical of therapists because they take a science-based approach rather than a religion-centric approach. The therapist decided that I was too preoccupied with sexual matters (which, fucking duh, I was 20, and was cut off from social interactions with people of my preferred gender while I was a missionary), and also counseled repentance, etc., along with some aversion therapy to make me feel even more shame about all things sexual.

Meanwhile, I had a psychiatrist for medication. The psychiatrist had a strictly science-based approach. He said that there wasn’t any clear reason why some people would become suicidal and others wouldn’t, but some medications might help.

It all eventually got me thinking: I knew that I wasn’t sinning, but my church leaders–the people that were supposed to be receiving revelation for me, on my behalf–were insisting that I must be. If I’ve been praying about the truth claims of the Mormon church, and had believed that the holy spirit has been told me that it’s all true, but the people that I believe have the gift of prophecy are completely wrong, what does this mean?

For me, the inescapable conclusion was that feelings were not a reliable indication of ‘truth’.

If feelings aren’t a way to know truth, then what is? Once you start studying the history of the Mormon church, the whole enterprise starts looking like a very sketchy con, and is certainly not something you would take at face value. Moreover, it turns out that all religions are relying on feelings that the religions say are from god in order to confirm that their religion is the One True Religion. Not only is there nothing that’s falsifiable about belief in Mormonism, there’s nothing falsifiable in religion in general.

Once you accept that, then the most reasonable answer is to say to say that either the existence of a god is unknowable with what we have right now, or that there is no god at all. I settled on the latter, although extraordinary evidence might be able to convince me.

I was a child who had been SA’d by an adult man. The adults around me told me to pray for forgiveness. I was 12.

Years later, I went to get a visitor’s pass to visit a friend at my old Christian school. They aggressively denied me entrance.

I learned about Gandhi when I was 12, and thought it was dumb that he would be in hell just because he wasn’t Christian. Absolutely could not square that rule with the idea that “God is love”. Figured it was all a bunch of bullshit.

My mother refusing treatment for cancer when it was still in early stages, Jesus will cure it for sure

Two things started the slow 10ish year journey to atheism for me. I can’t remember which happened first.

Some Mormon lads doing their mandatory missionary work knocked on our door when I was home alone. I decided, screw it, kill them with kindness. Maybe I’ll convert them! After I got them some ice water, they started the spiel. It was so stupid, how could anyone believe this? Then I thought, wait, how is what I believe any more believable? That was an unsettling thought that I could never really shake.

I also challenged myself to read the entire Bible (NIV) front to back (which I did, thankyouverymuch). I already had a lot of apologetics for the pentateuch warfare, slavery, etc. but in Psalms there’s a verse that basically goes, “blessed is he who dashes the babies on the rocks.” And like. What the fuck is that. In what possible circumstances is killing babies okay, let alone with God’s explicit endorsement? That also stuck in my head ever since.

There was a lot else in between, but years later I stumbled into a copy of The God Delusion. “Know thine enemy, right?” So I read it on lunch breaks at work. While I now know the book has a reputation for kinda bad philosophy, by the end it had tidily dismantled the last vestiges of the purely “rational” arguments to believe in God I still had. So I sat there, an atheist for the first time in my life.

I read the whole bible as an adult.

But the discipline that took, probably shows that I was starting to think more deeply about things

The hypocrisy and manipulation made it impossible to worship with them next to me.

I graduated from oral Roberts University and was full in. But the leaders of the small church were more interested in holding power rather than helping people. Fox News had an article with a headline stating blue eyed people were smarter than brown eyed. Being Latino, I was annoyed at the article and started to question why I even thought that the right wing evangelical establishment cared about me. I was just used for the financial support and votes.