I would like it to criticize me for needing to do it, at all.

You’re completely Emmental!

Oof. That felt personal.

My modded original Xbox was magical. Rent a game from Hollywood Video, rip it straight to the Xbox hard drive, return it.

Blueberry Muffin

Maybe the earliest example of, “You should see the other guy!”

“Hey girl, wanna take a ride on my big wet weiner?”

Gets 'em every time.

You bridle like it’s such a cinch.

The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has been the subject of a number of controversies…

God, what a fitting start/title.

Me want da punani see for make me nice,
Me love the way you walk sometimes,
The way you talk is so hot,
Now you know let’s have a shot of rum,
Then me can make you come
With me to the ocean
That would be phat
You can be my bow cat
Nice ital breeze
Bring you to your knees
We’re jammin’

I have a shitty Target duffel bag that’s been with me on so many adventures. It’s falling apart, but I refuse to let it go, precisely because it’s been with me on so many adventures. That also explains the several pairs of shoes with holes in them I can’t bring myself to throw out.

I’m gifted with extreme literacy.

No, you just gave me an opportunity to use my incredible god-like gift.

Add another fan a few feet to the left of the first one to make the room more visually balanced.

Then take psychedelics and lock yourself in.

I paid $30 for a used mountain bike that I rode for years. The trick was that I bought it from a bike co-op that sold used bikes, so knowledgeable people had already looked it over and fixed it up and they offered cheap stands/tools/help for any work you needed to do yourself. Did many 25-mile round-trips from Northern Virginia to work in D.C. on that thing.

I love that Mark’s just a regular guy.

Thank you for the heads-up.

Sorry, apologies to any of the living Husseins who may have read my tasteless joke.

That reminds me: my Uncrustable should be ready.