EDIT: Thanks so much everyone. Great answers. This has been fun. Keep it going as long as you want!
DISCLAIMER: Silly Thought Exercise: NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF REPLACING BIDEN. I personally do not think replacing Biden is a good idea at this stage in the election. I think that’s more dangerous than keeping him, sadly, but he’s who we’ve got. I’m just looking for shitposty thoughts on this question, please and thank you.
What-over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?
For an example, my choice would be based on the idea that the only thing that makes a bully like Trump wilt is a bigger bully. Secondly, US citizens love trash talking and sports and absolutely will vote for someone who is already famous, they certainly love their celebrities. Finally, what better sport for trash talk than basketball?
In that, my choice would be basketball legend Larry Bird. (he’s famously apolitical, so it’s hard to know if he would actually be politically aligned against Trump.)
…but, the thing is, Larry Bird is a masterclass trash talker.
And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw. I don’t think he could handle Larry Bird’s level of shit-talk, Bird is like god-tier.
I can imagine Bird calling Trump out and saying he can smell his shit-filled diaper from across the auditorium, obviously Bird would describe more colorfully than I. The thing is, I can also see that absolutely throwing Trump into hysterics.
Also, at 67 Bird’s a fucking spring chicken compared to Biden or Trump.
So, I’m hoping for answers that are a bit silly, like this. Larry Bird is obviously not actually a good choice for this. I just like chuckling at the idea, because real life has gotten so absurd I need to hide in even deeper absurdity.
What’s your absurd Biden replacement? Please, I think we could use some laughs.
Bill Burr or Jon Stewart, either one of them would absolutely crush Trump on a debate stage and people would line up to watch it.
I can almost hear Bill going “ohhh, shut the fuck up, ya fat ahrange piece a’ shit!”
While I think Jon Stewart would make a better president than either of those jackasses, that would be such a cruel thing to do to such a good person.
I don’t know that I want Jon Stewart as a POTUS, I just want him one on one with Trump and Trump isn’t allowed to leave or call off the debate. Jon Stewart is what the Founding Fathers meant the press to be. They wanted the press to be a 4th check on government outside the separation of powers and not a mouthpieces of the government.
Taylor Swift. Not that I think she’s absurd. I just think she’d have absolutely zero time for Trump’s bullshit, and would probably write some very cutting lyrics about it.
Let’s not pin cult leaders against each other now
Cult problems require cult solutions
Idk why but Kelly Clarkson.
Phoenix Wright seems like a good fit. A superb lawyer that went to countless court and win, debate is part of his job and Trump would be continually shut off.
Well, Marshall Mathers in his Slim Shady persona would be interesting. Not sure who I would pair him up with for VP though.
I figure after 4 years of Slim Shady as President, we would either have world peace or the world would be in pieces.
Not sure who I would pair him up with for VP though.
Dude, you forgot about Dre.
Dr. Jordan Peterson.
That tool is team Orange my dude.
I do love the idea of seeing team trump trash talk Peterson because he isn’t a true believer anymore
By the standards of the American people, the candidate should be one of those blow up car dealership streamer guys and a Bluetooth speaker playing audio of hero monologues from 80’s “step dad bait” action movies.
The presidency is not one person, it’s an entire administration and general philosophy. We’re fed a lie that these debates always matter, they matter when candidates are unknown and then have a forum to stand out as leaders and educate voters about a vision for the country. That’s NOT the case here, the candidates are wholly known entities and these fucking debates absolutely do not matter.
The people in this country, in their immediate reaction to this debate, demonstrate that they just fundamentally lack the focus, empathv and frankly basic intelligence to process the substance of this or any debate. On average, we respond solely to voice pitch, tonality, body language and facial expressions, like a still developing toddler… Or a dog.
The people in this country, in their immediate reaction to this debate, demonstrate that they just fundamentally lack the focus, empathv and frankly basic intelligence to process the substance of this or any debate. On average, we respond solely to voice pitch, tonality, body language and facial expressions, like a still developing toddler… Or a dog.
On average, we respond solely to voice pitch, tonality, body language and facial expressions
I mean, to be fair this is a human thing that is well known. It’s been known since Nixon looked like hell next to young JFK, the first ever televised debate. Nixon boned it because he was sweaty and looked like shit.
It’s been an issue of the television era ever since we began to focus on images instead of words. It’s also an issue with public speeches.
I mean for fucks sake, JFK went to Berlin and gave a speech where he said “Ich bin ein Berliner” while a Berliner is a fucking donut and despite that confusion Germans went fucking wild cheering for him.
“What did he say? I am a donut? Whatever, he’s awesome woooooooooooooo!”
Acting like it’s just American citizens is fucking dumb. It’s humans. It’s an issue with video media, period.
I think the doughnut thing is actually just some folks wanting a laugh and trying to be witty. The phrase made sense as it was intended and was taken as such (a person from Berlin), and the fact that there is coincidentally also a doughnut given that name is unlikely to have registered in anyone’s mind while present at the speech and if it did it probably wouldn’t have merited much more than a smirk since it’s not a mistake to have said that, it’s just a funny coincidence.
I’m sure there’s probably more than one pizzeria somewhere with a pizza on the menu called “New Yorker” and if someone said in a speech “I’m a New Yorker” no one’s going to pissing themselves laughing at the person for being such a baffoon to have accidentally called themselves a pizza.
Berliner also means the people living in Berlin
You pasted the last paragraph twice.
Fixed.
Conan O’brien
Conan O’Biden
What if Kanye West actually came through? He can’t be worse, right
Something something Austrian painter.
I believe you’ve actually found someone worse than Trump.
Sacha Baron Cohen.
The appeal of Trump’s rhetoric and populist message is entirely subconscious, and doesn’t stand up to even a few moments of critical analysis. Baron Cohen has a genius-level understanding of how to get into people’s heads, and what’s more, he can do it fluently, on-the-fly. His U.S. presidential candidate character would totally dismantle MAGA.
Isn’t he British?
The guy seems to be able to sweet talk his way in to any room and convince people to do and say the most humiliating things on camera. If him being British become an issue I think he can just act his way out of it and somehow everyone will believe him in spite of it being a publicly known fact.
Yes, but he gets so deep into character, he could turn American!
This is fantasy, who cares. Lots of non-US-born people have been suggested and a bunch of fictional people got suggested, so whatever, you know?
I’d take Ali G Inda(White)house.
Paul Rudd.
As Bobby Newport pls
No one will ever be able to complain about his age since he doesn’t age and just owns a painting of himself that ages instead.
John Stewart
Stewart/Colbert ticket would absolutely rock his orange ass off.
Jon Stewart for president with someone central to Biden’s cabinet who actually knows about politics and the stuff Biden was doing, as VP, to be able to give him on the job training on the actual politics part to match his sharpness level and his heart
With Presidential Cabinet members Steve Carrell, John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Judge John Hodgman, Jordan Klepper and Lewis Fucking Black.
Lewis fucking Black as Secretary of Defense!
I like Lewis, but he might be a little too angry to be in charge of missiles.
I don’t think he’s angry enough. Cowboy Regan scared the shit out of everyone…Black would Make Everyone But America Shit Again (black trucker cap with MEBASA)
I’m not sure that more loose cannons is the solution to the number we have now. I suppose if he was on a tight leash they could always threaten people to smarten up or they won’t hold him back.
For many years I’ve wanted to see that. It would be absolutely unstoppable.
Just Stewart.
I’m not even sure if this one is silly as much as it is serious. Too bad Stewart would never want the job!
I don’t care if he doesn’t want the job
I think Biden has done great stuff (domestically 🙁) and I would expect good policies from him and obviously a dead plant would be a better president than Trump, but his debate performance is kinda hard to put a good spin on
And therefore it is clear that what the world needs to see is a Jon Stewart vs Donald Trump debate
Not wanting the job is a good thing. That’s how it should be…
I don’t know John Stewart, but Jon Stewart would be an interesting choice.
Fixed
At this point I’d take either the superhero or the comedian
I would be so excited to vote for a Biden/Stewart ticket!!! Jon could continue to do Daily Show Mondays for now, and then take over when it’s time!
Like the emoluments clause matters any more. He can just collect his salary after he leaves office, as a treat.
It’s Vermin Supreme’s moment
The Rock. If you’re going to sink your ship at least do it with style.
He’s a Zionist so fuck him.
Robert Evans – writer, comedian, conflict journalist, podcaster – Cracked, Bellingcat, Behind the Bastards, did a podcast from Rojava, and reported live from Portland’s George Floyd protests
Plus he has a great platform of nuking the great lakes!
sponsored by Raytheon and [Redacted]’s Child Hunting Island
You know who else would make a fine leader for these great united states?
the products and services sponsoring today’s show? they definitely won’t sell your kidneys, you have our word on that!
Would absolutely lose Grand Rapids MI because of his friends though
I’m ootl here, what do you mean?
Do a search for “Jamie Loftus Grand Rapids”
Note: just a joke