my supervisor is an extrovert, whereas I’m an introvert. She feels insulted if I don’t share my personal life with her and ridicules me before other coworkers because I separate private and work life and prefer to keep to myself.
I wrote mobbing because that’s what it feels to me: a ritual of hers is to always eat together, a time she uses to ask me questions I don’t want to answer. I usually answer very vaguely, which is not enough for her. If I eat alone, she’ll complaint about why am I being so unfriendly.
She doesn’t understand I need time alone to unwind.
She is convinced she is doing me a favor, but the opposite is true. It makes me dislike her even more.
I simply cannot win. It’s tiring being blamed and shamed for preferring to read a book instead of talking about dogs or sex.
It makes me want to quit.
I don’t know if I go to HR with an issue like this, because they may label me the odd one, the one who’s not a teamplayer and use it against me.
Most people are extroverted and react angrily to somebody who keeps to himself and I’ve been bullied several times for this. Extroverts don’t seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn’t mean disrespect, but simply that I don’t care about it.
If you’re ok with being up front with people, you could just say “hey, do you mind giving me some alone time while I eat? It’s nothing personal, I just prefer to use this time to recharge by myself.”
If you’d prefer to manufacture an excuse, you could tell her you’re going to use your lunch hour to try a new mindfulness meditation technique you heard about, and need to avoid conversation during that time.
If you have the option to take your lunch somewhere else where she won’t find or bother you, that’s an option.
I think usually just keeping your nose in your book a few seconds too long before giving short answers to questions, then going right back to reading, is enough discomfort for a person like her that even if she didn’t get the hint that you don’t care to be bothered, she would at least prefer talking to someone else instead.
You used a Germanism. Do you have a Betriebsrat?
Also, don’t make introversion your entire personality.
Provide her with some literature on introverts to read while you read your preferred material.
Can you just tell her that you like to have quiet time at lunch to recharge for the afternoon?
I’m sorry that you find yourself in an environment where you struggle to freely be yourself. I can strongly relate to this. I feel like I have to be constantly on guard and protect myself from people and it’s a shitty way to live.
Standing up for yourself often feels uncomfortable in the moment, but you are very likely to regret not doing it. Whichever of the various tricks in the comments you feel comfortable trying or have hope will help, go for it.
Just be honest and let him know you don’t want to talk about yourself/certain topics.
Join a union if you haven’t already, talk to a union rep.
Simply hit them with a brick
Just hold your ground and keep reading your book, eating alone etc. If someone enters personal territory, shut it down by being honest “I don’t want to talk about that” and move on. Resist peer pressure and be who you are, it’s the same as it was in school.
Also, talk to your coworkers (I know it’s hard) about whether they think it’s appropriate. You have an impression they’re on board with this level of “intimacy” but it’s possible they are just going along to get along.
If persisting doesn’t work then it’s probably time to find another job. Plenty of workplaces out there that just want you to do your job and no more.
HR is definitely not on your side either, unless you can point to specific violations of policy. They exist specifically to cover their own ass, not to actually make your life better.
Sounds like you need to communicate your desires. This is not limited to extroverts. It’s harder for us introverts but not impossible.
I’d ask for them to stop. If this isn’t followed, something written. If this isn’t followed, time to involve someone higher. I’m very reluctant to involve HR, they’re going to fuck with you very likely. However, your supervisor’s supervisor might be able to help. Important to slowly escalate and make a paper trail if the initial verbal ask doesn’t work out.
Also, did I read that correctly that sex is being discussed? As in sexual intercourse?
Do you work somewhere where you can escape for an hour over lunch, perhaps? Like go to the gym or something? Out of sight out of mind.
I totally get the feeling of being mobbed, but to be honest find a way to cope with it at work. A lot of work places are by definition social places so it’s going to be really hard avoiding interactions all the time. Maybe go for a walk with a podcast or something?
Good luck 🤞.
A supervisor should understand the concept of respecting people’s boundaries. You could always say something like “Hey I’m not really in the mood to talk right now” or “This isn’t something I want to talk about”. Just a fair warning if you do this, you might get labeled as the odd one the same way you mentioned if you go to HR (the HR one would be a bit worse if I’m being honest).
People often do things they enjoy when connecting with others, tlhinking that is what others need–especially extroverts and mostly when they aren’t self-aware. e.g. when my wife heads out with friends she tries to plan things for me to do (or even friend hangouts) so I won’t be bored. But that is her as an extrovert thinking how she would be if I went out. I have to reexplain each time that I won’t be bored–i will catch up on reading, podcasts, bike ride, etc, enjoy some solitude, and if I felt the need then I would reach out to a friends.
You may need to have a candid chat and explain that as an introvert you need quiet alone time to recharge your battery–while extroverts charge their battery by being busy or outgoing.
Sheila, I’m a very private person and I would like to keep my work and home life separated. I need that to feel comfortable. I’m here to get work done and happy to talk about anything omnoir work.
If you work at a company with a competent HR department they will be very interested in hearing about how your supervisor is forcing you to eat lunch with her while she interrogates you about your sex life. That is 100% not appropriate in HR world. Just don’t ever believe anyone in HR is actually your friend, stick to the truth always, and document everything. Literally, keep a log of everything. If you end up in lawyer world they will be very happy that you have documentation of dates and who was there and what happened.
