Sure it comes off as aggressive ultimatums, but when I worked on New Jersey I saw numerous arguments between passionate coders who really cared about their work and spoke on these loud voices with aggressive gesticulations and gestures, and it was frightening. But, when you took apart the arguments, it was all about “the code” this, and “the standard” that, and very little “you suck” and “you’re dumb”. And, when the argument was settled, these passionate people were still friends.

I used to work for a guy like that. He was aware of how a lot of people perceived him and was working on it but it never really bothered me when he slipped because like you said it wasn’t a personal attack, he was just trying to make us get the work done to his standards. There were multiple times he would come to me and apologize after we finished something and I was just like “well you were right so I’m not really worried about it”.