So my girlfriend apologises compulsively. I find it easy to talk to her about the reasons why she may do that; however, she posed to me a question today which I found a little more tricky to answer:
How do I feel when I tell her to stop apologising, and why do I feel the need to tell her to stop apologising?
It’s honestly something I never gave thought to before. It is a very, very minor annoyance - to the point where I feel calling it an ‘annoyance’ is too harsh - but I don’t actually know why I feel the need to tell her stop doing it all the time.
I’m hoping someone can help me put it into words. So I ask you, Lemmy: how does it feel when someone apologises too much, and why do you feel the need to tell them to stop apologising?
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It makes me feel like they’re trying to minimize or discount my own feelings (of disappointment, anger, betrayal etc) to present themself as a victim. To me, an apology doesn’t really mean much. It’s just words. If you apologize, then continue to do the same thing that elicited the need for the apology in the first place, then you’re not really sorry. You’re just apologizing to get me to stop being upset/confrontational/etc.
Say ‘sorry’ once, but demonstrate you’re actually sorry by changing your behavior. Otherwise, you’re just repeating false platitudes in order to dismiss my own feelings.
Excessive apologies can feel disingenuous and perfunctory. That makes it difficult for me to know when an apology is genuine. That erodes my trust.
Excessive apologies can signal to me that the other person sees me as a threat, and I don’t want to feel like a threat, so I feel attacked.
But I could also choose to interpret excessive apologies as a sign of past trauma, so I could choose to have compassion and patiently ask the other person to talk to me about what’s going on. I can share how I feel and hope that they feel ready to discuss what’s happening for them. Patience would be key.
When someone over apologizes it makes me uncomfortable and lowers my trust of them. Are they actually sorry? Is this something they do consistently and then apologize for? Are they doing it on purpose and using the apology as a means to ask forgiveness instead of permission? Is it something they should even be apologizing for? It makes me feel like they are not actually apologetic and then I dont trust their sincere apology when they legitimately apologize.
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It depends. Some people say I’m sorry as a way to recognize their own interactions with the world. Knock something over and you might say shit. She might say sorry. Both roughly mean the same thing. You didn’t like that you knocked it over. The difference is anger is internal or singularly objective. I’m pissed at myself or the object. Sorry is environmental. I’m sorry to my apartment or to someone else who deals with the consequences.
The real test is if she says sorry and you tell her she only needs to be sorry if she did it on purpose. Particularly if in her mind the appology is actually meant for you. If she gets pissed off the implication is you don’t accept her apology and you are blaming her for it or doubting her sincerity. If that’s the case or if she laughs it off she’s well adjusted and is just someone who does that. If she’s confused apologizing is more a matter of being self concious. The truth is typically in the middle.
It makes me want to understand and listen to them more because I know from my past that when people apologize to much it’s usually because a lot of trauma and bad people in there past, so instead of saying they should stop, I just simply respond to the apology positively, like “no problem” or " totally ok. No worries". Give them time to trust me and know that do it out of fear and repetition and it’s a reflex from there traumatic past.
I place a steady hand on their shoulder and force them to the floor. If they’re going to apologize, then they can start by licking my boots for the great transgression they have put upon me.
Do they not know how to properly beg for mercy in the company of their betters? Their lack of foresight deeply upsets me, and as they sit there bawling their eyes out, I gently remind them of all their failings in life.
It usually leaves me quite chipper, and I spend the rest of the day regaling them in tales of my success and generosity, and bring up studies relating to genetics, phrenology, and sharp leather attire.
Obsessive apologizing makes a person appear not confident in themselves. If it is a person I care about I want them to be confident in themselves.
Additionally the more you repeat something the less meaning it has. So if someone apologizes too much for things that really don’t necessitate an apology when they have something they genuinely need to show remorse for and apologize for the apology holds less meaning.
It’s awkward. I’m not upset, please stop insisting that I should be. Am I now failing to live up to your expectations by being okay with stuff?
This. It can be exhausting. I feel compelled to reassure the person that I’m not upset or whatever. It makes a big deal out of something i’d rather not be expending any social energy on.
Here’s an exaggerated analogy of what is like: imagine that every time you sneezed someone came over all concerned, like 'are your alright? are you sure? do you need a doctor? ’ and you had to explain that it was no big deal and that you were ok.
It also reminds me a little of people who cut themselves down, making you fell like you need to tell them, ‘oh no, you’re not ugly / stupid / a jerk’ or whatever.
At first it’s like I accept it. But if it’s too repetitious, I get annoyed and I start not registering it as sincere. It is kind of like how I am with forgiving. If you’re really and truly sorry - don’t do it again.
It’s kind of annoying and distracting. It makes me think they have some emotional damage (don’t we all?) and then I start wondering what else is going to break under stress.
A sincere apology and owning fault is a power move. Apologizing four times because the chair made a weird sound when you adjusted it makes you look sad and impotent.
My wife behaves very similarly. Often she apologizes for things that I don’t even register. It’s a difference in how we grew up. I’ve mostly settled on ignoring it now but early on I encouraged her to think about who she’s apologizing for, and if she’s doing it for me I encouraged her to stop. Not only do I not need it, most of the time I don’t even notice whatever minor transgression occurred she thinks needs to be apologized for.
Now if she does it the apologies mostly go unnoticed too because it’s not for or about me, and if it’s what she’s comfortable doing then that’s ok.
Like they’re setting the bar even higher for how bad I have to feel about my minor mistakes, because I’m also kind of like that.
Obviously, that doesn’t apply if you’re not.
It feels like they are flogging themselves and want you to take pity on them. It feels either a little manipulative and/or tiresome. Say it once and let’s move on. The other person is very unlikely to be holding you as culpable as you making yourself out to be.
My wife is obsessed with thanking people. It is nice once but every time you so much as fart she is thanking you. No, I don’t need to be thanked 3 times for washing the dishes, once was nice but more than that makes me think you are fishing for something back or need a hearing aid. She even thanks stores when leaving which gets to be a bit much after a while. She also gets very upset if she doesn’t get thanked immediately for giving something which I think makes it more about getting the thank you than the giving part.
