I’ll go first…after 10 years of speculating in the market (read: gambling in high risk assets) I realized I shouldn’t ever touch a brokerage account in my lifetime. A monkey would have made better choices than I did. Greed has altered the course of life many times over. I am at an age where I may recover from my actions over the decades, but it has taken its toll. I am frugal and have a good head on me, but having such impulsivity in financial instruments was not how I envisioned my adulthood. Its a bitter pill to swallow, since money is livelihood of my family, but I need to “invest” all I have into relationships, meaningful moments, and fulfilling hobbies.
That just meaning well or having good intentions, are not enough. You need to actually show up and make time for the things, and people, you value.
Thinking of a great friend who had the courage to break up with me, and tell me straight up it’s because I was a bad friend to them.
Great post!
It was an incredibly large antibiotic pill because I didn’t want to shower (it took away from reading) and I got impetigo.
That I wasted over a decade trying to figure out what was wrong with me on my own before I finally got professional help.
For me, it was “saying no doesn’t make me a bad person.” I was raised around extremely Christian people who emphasized that you should be there for everyone, even at the expense of self.
The problem is, people eventually take advantage of you. Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.
This is similar to “be a soldier and suck it up”. I used to keep my objections to myself and go along with things. This doesn’t make your feelings go away, instead it makes resentment build up along with passive aggression. I now speak up but do so reasonably nicely.
I try to remind myself that when I do say yes, they’re never quite as happy/appreciative/etc. as I expected or hoped for.
I try to please the people but the people aren’t even pleased, ugh.
“Yo, you could be at least a little happier and grateful about it, you know I could be {doing something else that I actually enjoy}, I’m just doing this for you!”
I’ve experience this first hand, and watched it from the other side. My mother is extremely “Christian”, and that’s one of her phrases there. To her, people helping her became an expectation, not an act of kindness. She was a single mom, and so people around town would help her out. Like our local appliance guy, he’d give her a deal on a new dishwasher - and then she would push her luck and ask him to install it. And then start calling him directly when the slightest thing might be wrong with it. And then for other appliances. And then for random handiman stuff. She of course never repaid him for everything he did.
Because he’s a Christian, and so was she. So of course he was “happy” to do it for her. A few people eventually did tell her no, and she would immediately convince herself that they were bad people and that she “had to cut them out of her life” because of the negativity.
Reading this shocks me. This is my own Catholic mom exactly! The phrase she always throws around is “family first”, and I’ve had to help her so many times of which she shows appreciation. But when I turn her down, she throws guilt trips at me and sometimes goes as far to suggest I don’t care. Despite setting boundaries for many years, she’ll still test the waters.
I felt this loaf
Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.
To them, it looks like they are the only person to which you say no. This means that you say no because of them. People don’t like being questioned like that.
Add some assurance that the no is not personal.
I had this recently. My parents wanted me to make a full hour round trip drive across town to pick them up in the middle of the night so they could save $50 on a taxi. I said no as I have kids to look after now, and my mom launched into how I’m not family first anymore and after all the things she did for me as a kid, she can’t depend on me to pick her up.
I stuck to my guns though. They conned my brother with the same story, but I set a boundary.
Wow, the “family first” remark, while you’re taking care of your kids, gets me. That’s so familiar.
It’s as if people hearing “no” from you, when you would normally just cave in and do whatever was requested, is an act of aggression from people. It’s strange… they become so hateful.
Good on you for sticking with your boundaries!
Agree with the other commenter. If she ever pulls that line with you again make sure you throw it right back at her. “You’re right, family first. That’s my kids and my spouse.” Maybe she’ll start to realize the family shifts as you age.
I once had an Excedrin get stuck in my throat sideways. That was a pretty uncomfortable several hours of my life.
That I didn’t know who I was. My lack of self awareness hampered my growth trajectory, my maturity, and relationships. My first failed marriage was a pinnacle of this issue. Though, fast forward 5 years, I’m a vastly different person, know who I am and what I want and where I want to end up. I feel guilty for my ex wife and the impact I had on them. I hope they’re happier where ever they may be.
That sounds super healthy actually. Good outlook to have. We all make mistakes, what matters is if we learned from them.
Self discovery - the journey of a lifetime
Know thyself…congrats. I can say with certainty that the guilt of affecting ones close to you will never leave you. Light comes from darkness.
i’ve recently had to accept that my neurodivergence makes managers, supervisors, etc. uneasy about me despite my stellar track record and the sole reason why i was able to maintain continuous employment was because of my high demand skill set; which means that employment will become increasingly difficult as i continue to age.
At least your quirks allowed you to create a track record that was seen as stellar by others.
My own Voltron of ADD and Asperger’s allows me to do impressive things. But without any significant ability to monetize those traits or for it to be visibly profitable to someone else, it’s been a much more impactful hell on my employability.
I’ve come to hate how capitalism only “works well” for the masses who stumble and fumble through life, but who can easily conform to the required soul-sucking shape of profitability for someone else. People are more than just how much profit can be squeezed from them, and can provide back to civilization a lot more than what the current capitalistic structures parasitize out of them.
There are other economic structures that are much more humane and planet-friendly, but as a civilization we have been indoctrinated into seeing those frameworks as being “irredeemably evil” simply because prior “implementations” used them as a veneer of legitimacy over despotic authoritarian regimes.
I qualify as an aspie too and I would likely be in the same boat were it not for my software development skills.
LOL 😂 I am also a software developer. 30 years in almost every sector of IT short of 3D animation and games development.
And no, AI hallucinates too gratuitously for me, and just pisses the hell outta me. It’s worse than a gaggle of juniors in terms of all the extra work it generates.
Lol people like you will be useless in a few years. Its a tool, use it like one.
This field is so incredibly lousy w people like us that it makes me marvel at the ones w the kind of job security that I crave because it means that their hyper focus not only aligns w the company’s profit line but they’ve also managed to have a tenure that steered clear of enough clueless neurotypicals to keep them from getting fired or on the chopping block for a layoff.
Im never going to get everything right. Allowing myself this allowed me to get some of the more important things right.
The realization of how truely alone I am when everything started collapsing after our house was sold and how my parents who supposedly were suppose to love me, don’t love me and how I do have daddy issues because of this and I am not exactly as strong mentally as I thought of myself to be.
I cannot sing.
Even in the shower?
I emit a series of sounds that would be considered a crime by every advanced civilization.
Then come to America, friend!
So what? Sing all you want. Take a big fart in every kareoke bar you visit. Who cares?
I’m a bitter, angry, mfer and I need to chill out sometimes
Relatable tbh. I think a good part of it was depression in my younger years, but, I used to be an incredibly angry person.
It took a long time for me to accept that the truth is, you don’t get angry about shit you don’t care about. Hard to accept that half the things I’d get angry at weren’t worth it. The other half anger just wasn’t a helpful response. Been a long process of learning to have a better reaction for me.
Yeah I had a lot of issues as a kid too and being angry felt a hell of a lot better than being sad. Eventually it just got exhausting though. I can only imagine how annoying I was for other people to deal with. At least I was never one to lash out at others too much thanks to my mother showing me how it felt to be on the receiving end of that all the time.
Being angry is still basically my default emotional state but it’s at least much less intense than it used to be which I think is a decent achievement considering how much there is to be angry about these days
You are me.
I play shitty passive-aggressive mindgames. When I bleed, scorpions and stinging-flies spawn from the puddles.
Same here. I lose my temper too easily then I get back to normal quickly and wonder why I was so upset.
Alcohol isn’t everyone’s friend, I was an alcoholic at 18, and refused to acknowlege that fact and kept denying it in the face of all the evidence. When I finally asked for help and quit drinking at 45, I realised how much of a mess I’d made of my life. Thankfully I’ve been sober since (going on 7 years now). Addiction is not a joke people.
Good for you, brother! Stay strong. I’ve stayed drug-free/alcohol free my entire life, but only because I’ve watched loved ones go thru addiction, so I realize how tough it is. The fact that you got out of it after so long, is a major accomplishment. Good on ya, mate.
Addiction is not a joke people.
This is why I hate to see how casual Lemmy is about drugs and alcohol. Some actually brag about posing while high or drunk–and then get a shitton of upvotes for it. They don’t realize how quick it happens. and how addiction doesn’t care who you are. It can happen to anyone.
Thank you brother 🙏
Same, although I’m shy about the alcoholic label. But the fact is I was sadder and less motivated, even when I managed to drink “moderately,” and I feel better in every conceivable way since I stopped. I feel like I can trust myself to handle things straight-on now.
Honestly I understand what you mean, for me it was the opposite, my family and close friends had been telling me about my abuse for decades. So when I finally admitted I owned the word Alcoholic. I’m a happily recovering one. Good on you for managing!
I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Oddly, the thing that really finally made it click was playing the Sims, and I noticed my Sim would get up & grab a snack from the fridge every single time they were bored.
I’ve started noticing that I’m echoing some of the bad habits of my father, either behaviorally or genetically, I’m not sure which. I’m determined to never go down that path because I’ve seen what it’s done to our family. I’ve made some changes that will hopefully head that off. If those don’t help, there’s always professional help.
Still, depressing to realize.
I feel you. I have to keep reminding myself that a lot of my anxiety isn’t mine - it’s my mom’s. I just inherited the behaviors that she picked up, that in turn were created in reaction to my (long-gone) toxic grandfather’s abuse.
Generational trauma probably lurks behind all of us, deeprooted and insidious, propping up maladaptive behaviors that go unexamined simply because they are considered “normal” in our families.
Similar boat. It helps to have someone who is willing to (kindly and patiently) call you out on it, with the understanding that it’s what you want them to do. Good luck, stay strong and be confident that acknowledging the issue and wanting to change are huge steps you’ve already taken
Thank you! Good luck to you too :)
I need to get a grip when driving and not let others upset me so easily.
Stay in the basement. No driving required.
Hey fellow road rager! I too suffer from this aillment while knowing at the same time that it could be life threatening if I cross paths with an armed short fused a$$hole. I live in a very high traffic city with stuff to do on both sides of it, taking my kid to some classes results in a two hour commute and then two hours back home. Not easy and it makes me want to light my hair on fire sooooo me and my kid play the “maybe” game:
Maybe that guy cut me off because he is pooping in his pants (Kid laughs and it Takes the edge of me bursting into flames)
Maybe that lady trying to pass me in a not so nice way is late for her flight to (insert whatever place you/your kid think of and talk about what things you’d like to do there. While in Italy, for example, we thought about asking for a pizza with pineapple on it and putting a clown wig on the David)
I could go on and on (I won’t) but the main thing is to redirect my anger as energy to somewhere else.
I find it amusing when I do it with my kid because it helps us connect while spending time together. When I am by myself I play it too, but the NSFW version: This guy is tailgating me because he cannot wait to get pegg3d when he gets home. Etc etc. I chuckle for a bit and let it pass. Not kink shaing anyone at all.
Maybe I am a bit insane but this has helped me tremendously.
Great outlook i need to try this
I read somewhere that if you’re angry when you’re driving, you’re actually angry about something not driving-related. It’s just manifesting while you’re behind the wheel.
