I’ve never once had someone ask when I’m going to have kids or tell me how great it is.
I constantly hear people bitching about it however, getting real tired of the antinatalists.
Yeah, same. Never been asked. I’ve known for a long time I’ve never wanted to have children.
But that’s purely for me. Not for me to pass judgement on anyone who does want kids, it’s such a personal choice.
I get frequently asked by my partner’s female friends. None of the male ones ask and none of my friends ask.
Same: 47 years and not once has anyone cared whether I have kids or a partner
I literally got mocked for it by my ex wife’s uncles to the point where they would say shit like “do you need someone to show you how to do it?”
Having a child literally rewires your brain and pumps you full of hormones which make you believe that having a baby is the most wonderful thing in the world. Parents go on and on about “you can’t understand until you do it!” Which absolutely makes sense because theres no other way to get that specific neurotransmitter cocktail. But that experience isn’t objective reality any more than taking acid is. Therefore parents are arguably the worst people to speak objectively about the experience of parenthood. They are just too close to the subject. I feel like I am a much more objective observer of their experience, and it looks pretty awful to me.
You could say this about literally anything though? All of the best rushes in life are just your brain drugging itself.
I mean, to play devil’s advocate, there are some subjects in which the person vouching for something being biased because they’re “too close” isn’t a concern: whenever there’s an objective benefit to whatever they’re doing
For instance, a person who runs marathons and has experienced runner’s high might say running is super fun once you get good at it and you should try it, and maybe you will and maybe you won’t, but trying to get good at running wouldn’t be a permanent life changing decision like having a child, and it would benefit your health rather than harming it like drugs
There are lots of thrills in life outside of drugs and instinctual hormone soups. Admittedly runner’s high is the healthiest example, but stuff like video games, sports with minor risk taking like snowboarding or mountain climbing, etc also fit the bill
Acid is probably cheaper too
That’s like saying you’re the authority on what an acid trip feels like because you watched someone take one. Also step parents and adoptive parents love their kids without “having” them
Unless you’re one of those unlucky ones whose hormones go out of whack and you end up drowning them in the tub.
See, you are missing that cocktail. You have to take one with the other.
Or do as my boss said, get grandchildren and skip children.Hmmm I wonder if those hormones could be synthesized and taken as a drug? I’d give it a try just to see what it did to me as a childfree person.
I think we need to have a tough talk about why it’s so much harder to have kids these days, but that would involve talking about wealth inequality and the death of the community.
It’s really straightforward to understand, there’s no “third places” for kids and kids are generally undesired in US society. It used to be, even if you weren’t religious, you had community because everyone in the neighborhood looked out for each other’s kids.
It’s a lot easier when you’re not outnumbered by kids and can swap with other adults, even if it’s 30 minutes to get a shower. Everyone is so isolated these days, it’s much more difficult to build support like that unless you are religious or have family involvement.
My street that I live on has twelve houses that front it, six on each side. Of those twelve houses, ten have kids, and nine have kids between 1 and 9 years old. It’s a real treat to be able to let the kids out, to share parenting responsibilities, to commiserate with the other parents when necessary, and to really just let the kids be kids. Sometimes there’s ten kids on the swingset in my backyard that is absolutely not designed for ten kids, or they’re riding bikes, or playing with chalk. It’s a real pleasure.
I bought the house 11 years ago. There were no kids. So we’ve kinda built the community. We’ve watched as houses go on sale, people come looking, and we would actually talk to them about our neighborhood.
So it’s kind of like the neighborhood that I grew up in at this point, and I really don’t think it was by accident. And I don’t think that my neighborhood is the only one like this.
Living the dream friend. I want that sense of community so bad. All my life I’ve lived isolated from others and it fucking sucks. My dad would always scold me: “go outside and play, get off the computer, blah blah blah” but like with whom? Glad your kids get to be kids. Cheers
I know, and I try not to take it for granted (although I do sometimes, because I’m just a guy). Until I was 10, I lived in a neighborhood where the houses were close together, the kids played outside, etc. Then we moved to a house on an acre and a half, which was huge in comparison to the like .18 acre property we lived on prior. You could fit five houses from my previous neighborhood on our lot. It was a beautiful home, great for playing outside – with just my brother and I. Not great for making friends in the neighborhood.
I tell the story often, but my wife is from a different place in Jersey than me, we didn’t meet until I was in my late 20s, a few years after my parents split, sold the house, and put that life behind us. One of her close friends got married a few years back, and beforehand, we went and I got to meet her friend’s fiance. We get to talking, and he tells me his last name, and it turns out they lived three houses down from me, but I had never met him because nobody went outside to play.
And it’s not to say we were homebodies. I played sports, I always was doing something, but it was also never less than a car ride away, which is isolating. So I don’t want my kids to live like that. They will walk to school when they’re old enough. They’ll walk downtown. They’ll throw rocks in the brooks that run through town. They’ll hang out under bridges. That’s important stuff to me.
Yeah. Not having retired family in hood health nearby is an issue. Someone had to move for their career. Or died. Or is too fragile. Or still working.
Nearly need polygamy for the economic certainty.
My wife and I have 6 month old twins… we’re both only children too. We are so lucky that my mother in law moved to our town as soon as we told her. Both of my parents are disabled, and cannot assist. Also, my wife getting the 12 weeks fmla / baby bonding was fine, but not great. I got nothing for paternity leave from my office and took two weeks of pto when they were born. It was and still is rough. If we didn’t have MIL around, we’d be in a real tough spot…
Support networks are so incredibly important to parents. Don’t have kids of my own, but am helping with my sibling’s kids. Babysitting and just general support split with my parents. Thankfully, they don’t need financial help but that’d be on the cards if it came to it.
Support networks like this, whether it’s family, neighbours, friends or some combination is almost mandatory if you’re not very wealthy. It takes a village to raise a child, after all.
The lack of paternity leave and shortness of maternity leave in (assuming) the US is absolutely criminal. I was lucky enough to get 4 months, and that was not nearly enough to get my feet fully back under me before returning to work.
The fact that you had to take PTO just to bond with your kid is upsetting and frustrates me because those first few months are so valuable, and I feel like dads often miss out on so much.
I’m definitely not having kids for this reason, and many more. I’m doing I’d say okay right now. I’m stable ish. Why would I want to change that at all? I see my peers having kids and immediately they can’t afford to even go out to eat, and don’t have time to get a beer once every 4 months. They chose that, I don’t hold them against it, but why would I risk where I am for that?
Logically speaking it is definitely a hard sell. I imagine a lot more planning goes into having them these days, and the financial burden is considerable with all the other costs rising as well.
One big one is that today’s parents put too much pressure on themselves (both individually and as a group) to always be supervising. Some parents don’t feel that they can leave their child alone for 30 minutes while they shower or clean, or watch TV, because we’ve built up expectations that everything is structured and that we’re supposed to sacrifice our individuality for the kid. Some recent research has shown that millennial parents are spending a lot more “hands on” time with their kids than any previous generation, rather than passive supervision like when kids are playing in the house while the adults do something else.
Plus there is a significant line of people who feel compelled to do high effort, high visibility shows of parenting effort: Instagram worthy birthday parties, more structured play and learning, high effort cooking of things from scratch rather than convenience foods, etc.
Finances (and working hours) are definitely a big part of it, but a bigger part is the shift in norms and expectations that we’re expected to be much more for our kids than prior generations.
A former coworker used to take leave when her kid was out of school. Kid was 10. I was a 10 year old “latchkey” kid in the 80’s, we’d get home, I’d make a snack for me and my 8 yr old brother. Then we’d ride our bikes until the streetlights came on, and we’d go home.
I’m not a parent. I don’t really think either her or my parents were “right” or “wrong”, but I don’t understand why that changed.
I don’t understand why that changed.
It’s easy to point at social media, and that’s part of it, but I think it’s probably the ubiquity of photos and videos, easily transmitted to others. Even those of us who aren’t on social media still send photos and videos of our kids to the grandparents, to cousins, to other friends and family. We’re constantly exposed to parenting highlights, which subtly shifts the expectations on what the non-highlight portions look like.
Stop giving into social pressure to have children.
If you truly want to, have the resources, & you’re okay with making a lot of personal sacrifices, go for it.
But don’t do it just because it’s “expected of you” or anything else people say to try and guilt you into it. It will end up making everyone involved miserable.
I have a baby.
This is accurate.
While they are <5 years old yea
But let me tell you, once you cross that magical school threshold things get significantly easier. Though you’ll have to deal with more and more social type problems, but those are easy IMO as it’s mostly just talking with them
Each year after that is easier…at least until the teen years, but again that’s more social/attitude type problems, at least you can just leave a 15 year old at home by themselves and go socialize by yourself and stuff
As a new dad whose baby does not sleep and needs constant attention… this is encouraging to hear.
Always remember: This too shall pass
This got me through the worst nights. This, coffee and a large stock of favourite candies/snacks. Don’t worry, the sleep thing gets way better soon, hang in there!
Thanks! I’ll have to remember that. :)
Each year is easier in my experience. When they can move, they are less frustrated because they can get to want they want. When they can talk, they don’t need to shout in order to tell you that they are hungry. When they can reason, you can explain how you are thinking.
What really helped us early on was routines. For our first child, we wrote down when she slept and when she ate. Eventually, she would cry and we would look at the clock and realise “its time for food”. And that transitioned into learning that we need to make lunch now because she will be hungry soon.
Also, removing the diper was a way less scary affair than I though it would be.
Frustrated, angry and annoyed is her mood about 50% of the time. Super active and demanding, but can’t communicate what she wants. I think you’re right… it’ll get a bit calmer around here when she can at least move around more and communicate a bit.
Agreed! Diapers ain’t shit. My tolerance for grossness has shifted dramatically. And I feel like it must be more than just desensitization from exposure… I think it’s due more so to kin selection and instinct because the change took place almost immediately.
Frustrated, angry and annoyed is her mood about 50% of the time. Super active and demanding, but can’t communicate what she wants.
Yeah. That phase can suck. It gets better with time. Hang in there.
‘Preciate it! B)
Ah, so you’re saying kids are not an issue when someone else is taking care of them or they’re taking care of themselves. lol
This week is my five-year-old’s winter break from school. I was not aware of that fact until yesterday.
I do love them and being with them (my post history should reinforce that if you doubt me); I don’t regret parenthood in the least; but their presence has definitely altered my plans for the week, especially those related to work. (I live in a rural area and have no friends here outside of my household, so socializing has not significantly changed for me.)
Point being, you’re definitely correct about that part.
I do love them and being with them (my post history should reinforce that if you doubt me); I don’t regret parenthood in the least; but their presence has definitely altered my plans for the week, especially those related to work. (I live in a rural area and have no friends here outside of my household, so socializing has not significantly changed for me.)
I loathe the rise of that “Super Parents” ideology, like if you can reorient your entire life around your children, that’s cool.
But if you can’t match it does not mean you love your kids any less.
I agree with you. I’ve never known a parent who didn’t sometimes need a break, regardless of whether they take one. However, I know some people at least kind of feel like that’s a red flag, so I try to head it off at the pass, such as it is.
I have twins.
Can confirm. totally accurate
I’m finding very little of this thread resonates with me. I have a toddler who I love and get to spend a whole day off with during the week. I still get to do my running, cycling, rock climbing. I get some reading done most nights.
I’ve mostly sacrificed video games and social life, but rock climbing is social and a happy child is far more rewarding than games.
There are sacrifices, but I don’t feel like I’ve given up my life. Is this because I don’t live in the USA?
Same here. Some of the things that have helped make our situation easier:
- Where we live, by law my wife got a year per kid off of work for childcare. I don’t know how people do this without a full-time parent.
- Since I work remotely, if my wife had a rough night, she could sleep during the day without worrying the kid was going to kill themselves because I would be around.
- Our kids were definitely on the easier side, especially our first. They almost never cried for zero reason (90% of crying was quickly remediated with the “diapers, hungry, sleepy” checklist), they quickly started sleeping well, etc. Some people have complete devil kids, colic, etc.
What we gave up was doing things together as a couple (romantic dinners etc), as we always had to either bring the kids or stay home with them, but we could still do things on our own when we wanted to. We have family nearby, but they deemed themselves “too old” to look over the kids when they were still babies. Now that our kids are in elementary school age they’ve been able to sleep over once or twice a year when we get to do a parents getaway for our anniversary etc.
Really depends on your support network, and that’s not USA specific. If you have help and your kid is easy going, then life can be a lot easier than if you have no help and your kid is challenging. Help can takeany forms, so yes childcare in USA is expensive and hard to come by, but involved family can help a lot regardless of where you live.
Not living in the USA most definitely helps. The age of your kids makes a difference. My youngest is 16 months old and in his phase where he has no awareness of danger and sleeps like shit still and my gas tank is empty 24/7 by the shitty quality of sleep with the constant mental energy spent making sure he doesn’t kill himself. And that is when everyone is healthy.
I would litterally kill for them, but it is easy to understand why people feel like they do, especially with the current economic and societal context.
I think some just cope with parenthood better than others. Some take the feeling of bone deep mental and physical exhaustion and wonder “why/what the fuck was I thinking”. They just see all they are missing or regret not doing before. Others get that feeling and feel a deep satisfaction knowing it is a sign they are doing right for their kid. It completes them in a way that is inexplicable for those who don’t.
Not sure if that added anything or not but I felt it needed saying.
When the sleep sucks, everything else is worst for it.
I love my kids and I feel a great satisfaction raising them, but my tank is always running empty.
I think that parents are better at different stages of parenthood, and for me, between 9 months and 18 months is the fucking worst.
Some kids are definitely easier than others too. Both my kids wouldn’t sleep for more than 90 minutes at a time until they were a few years old; and when they were awake they would demand attention; like most kids that age who are awake do.
Maybe we got lucky with our kid’s sleep? I remember it was awful while my partner was on mat leave, but now they sleep through the night most nights so it’s usually other shit that’ll keep us up.
Were almost there. The oldest can manage herself for a little while in the morning and sleeps well
The youngest one is up at 5:30 - 5:45. It fucking sucks. And he still wakes up every other night.
6 more months and we should be over the bump.
I don’t mind the early waking too much since that’s when I get up for work anyway!
Do you work more than 12 hours to make a basic income? I think that’d be a large difference between wherever you are and the US.
My kid didn’t sleep through more than a few hours until she was around 2yo but I’d already had my 2nd when she was 20 months and he didn’t sleep through until he was around 2 also. Plus I had 2 c-sections to get over and we moved country. I don’t care about sacrificing an old social life but my health and fitness took a massive hit.
I don’t live in the USA either, good benefits here.
There are sacrifices, but I don’t feel like I’ve given up my life.
Yeah, I think one has to think about carefully first before having kids first, and be prepared what they have to sacrifice. Raising a child is not easy.
I think what this post is portraying is regret that they haven’t expected on what sacrifices they have to make to take care of a child. A lot of people want to get married and/or have kids just for the sake of it, because that is what society expect them to do.
Another big part is that so many people have virtually zero support. It’s just them and their kids. For the first few years, we lived a 4.5hr drive from any family support. I don’t even know how you find and vet babysitters these days.
It doesn’t help that we’re atheists, so we don’t even get the built in community support that a lot of churches provide.
I’m in a similar position. Secular childcare is insanely expensive and the only alternative is church preschool. For what its worth, I don’t worry about the more liberal religious schools as kids believe in Santa at that age anyways.
Same.
Japan doesn’t have babysitters. It suuuuuucks.
Wait there are no babysitters in Japan? I was only there for a year as a very much childless young adult, but for some reason I assumed there would be babysitters. Thinking back, I don’t think I ever knew someone who babysat unless it was an older sibling looking after younger siblings. Heck, I don’t even know the Japanese word for it. Wow, for some reason I really thought that was only a modern American problem.
Nope, there’s only a few on-call childcare services and they’re very expensive and booked way out in advance. You also have to do interviews with the care provider.
Its nice that you enjoy bein a dad. Do you and your other partner do equal parenting? Only One day in the work week with the kid sounds a bit odd. Maybe I am getting it wrong.
We both do 5 days in 4 (compressed hours) so we only have to pay for 3 days of childcare. I get to do fun things for a day with my kid, and the weekends are normal.
Ah interesting, sounds like a good model if you can find a good childcare. I think the comic refers to raising kids on your own without extra help. So it makes sense that there are fastly different experiences.
Same. Of course there are sacrifices but I still enjoy my life and can do things. Work is what saps me the most and I love my job.
It is because people are different.
Do you still get to go places? I think the person in the comic used to travel a lot
Depends how much money you got. Once they are out of the “hold then in your lap” stage and you have to start paying for their airline seats it gets really expensive.
Not only that but trying to relax on a vacation with a small child must be miserable
My yearly vacation spot is iceland. How the hell would that work with a child
You don’t relax on vacation with small children. You’re always on alert, unless you got another family member or someone to look after your kids for a while.
You go because the kids have fun and enjoy it, but they’re also small enough they might not remember it at all anyway, so it can feel like a waste in that regard.
I guess the idea is to live precariously through your child.
Okay. That was very clever. I like that one.
My parents took me to a lot of places as a kid to make good memories for me. It didn’t work. My whole childhood is mostly just a big blur in my memory.
curious if you have somewhere/someone you can trust the toddler with while you do those hobbies.
I found that having a support network (either personal through friends family, or socialized through the government) has a big effect on how miserable parents are early on.
It’s definitely partly not being in the US. Economically… it’s just really rough. Childcare for our one kid is nearly as much as our monthly mortgage. We make decent money but still have only enough savings to survive 2, maybe 3 months without income.
I still have plenty of hobbies, but like, because finances are tight, we only have one car in a very very car dependent area. There’s simply no public transit where I live. So all of my hobbies have to be at home, or after when my kid goes to bed, which is usually close to 9:30pm, leaving an hour, maybe two, for time to myself during the week.
The thing about kids is they make you notice aging. They grow up fast but you realize you still are too.
Hunching over in your 20s vs your 30s can be a big feel.
Hit the lawyer, fire the gym.
Instructions unclear. Charged with arson and no lawyer will take the case since I punched one of them.
Can’t even escape this by being queer - I’m mid 30s and about half of my straight couple friends have kids now, none of the queer couples do, and yet we’re still asked about it sometimes, it’s so odd.
Fortunately all my siblings have at least one now so finally my mum’s stopped asking…
I mean… in a way… that’s a win for equality
Simply - Misery loves company.
There’s research that found that people without children are happier than people with children.
Sounds like a kind of crazy blanket statement for actual researchers to make but then again sociology research… well…
Why is it crazy? It seems like the most sensible conclusion - no kids reduces stress significantly. Maybe in a world without need it’d be the other way around, but we don’t live in a post-scarcity society, do we?
mist Americans can’t afford kids, the main reason is simple as that
curious what happiness rates look like in real first world countries
I’m trying to imagine applying this logic to anything else.
Telling a friend not to try out for the baseball team, because playing baseball will increase your stress. Warning my sister not to watch a scary movie, because evidence shows they cause fear and discomfort. Breaking off a date with a cutie, because I’ve got butterflies and I don’t want to feel anxious.
What do these sociologists think about rollercoasters or car races or heavy metal concerts, I wonder?
You’re trying to incorrectly put words in scientist’s mouths here.
They did not say that a person should not have children.
They merely said that on average, people who don’t have children are happier.
If people could accidentally find themselves trapped in a heavy metal concert, (just like people accidentally find themselves stuck being parents), you’d find a similar conclusion - people who don’t go to heavy metal concerts are happier. But it turns out that concerts are elective, so the effect is unlikely to be present in real life for concerts.
This has nothing to do with the “goodness“ of concerts or parenthood - both of them are awesome when the people doing them chose to do it!
“Happiness” is a tough thing to measure. Yeah my kids are a lot of work but I’m objectively happier IMO (funny little oxymoron there I know).
You can be tired but happy.
Having kids forced me to be a better person. They forced me to step up and tackle my own problems that were preventing me from being a decent parent, and as a result outside of parenting I’m a better version of myself too.
Having kids made any kind of travel more difficult but honestly it’s opened up new things to me that I wouldn’t do without kids. That awesome new playground in town? Yeah I’m totally climbing on it chasing my kid and definitely not having a blast too! Same with the zip line, and the big slide! Going to do a corn maze in the fall and they’re all too easy? Have the child lead us on where to go and they’ll get me far more lost than I ever could get myself lost!
I’ve absolutely put off some hobbies that I’d like to explore because they aren’t compatible with kids of my kids’ ages, but they’ve become my hobbies as I nurture them and try to not only keep them alive (seriously these kids are way too skilled at trying to kill themselves or eachother) but also grow them into decent human beings
Very well put. I’d also like to add that (and I hope my partner agrees lol) having kids made me a way better partner if only because I keep having to grow and support them in new, often more important ways.
I don’t think I would’ve ever truly understood the concept of “mental load” if I hadn’t become a parent.
Because it’s a simplistic blanket statement about a very complex issue. You think you can take a single factor “kids = stress” and that’s that?
So nobody can arrive at any conclusions about complex topics? That’s like saying we can’t quantify global warning because climate science is complex.
No, but I do believe that complex issues with many factors can be boiled down into simpler averages. Besides, “stress” is just as multifaceted of an issue as anything else! It implies nothing about the root causes.
Moreover, this research article did not say “if you have kids, you will be miserable”. That is a personal choice you should make for personal reasons. Some people are happier with kids! But it’s also true that childless adults are on average happier.
Meaning has a lot to do with happiness and for me, my life has infinitely more meaning since the little one came along. A lot of people don’t need help finding meaning in their lives and that’s great, but taking care of my family is more rewarding than anything I have experienced. But yeah… not everyone is like me and that’s okay. Some people definitely shouldn’t have and/or don’t want kids and there’s nothing wrong with that.
The urge to cum inside is the siren song of many
Vasectomy is a beautiful thing
Fleshlights are nice too tbh
Get both, experience Nirvana
Well, now I’m conflicted.
Literally millions of year of evolution behind the urge of raw dogging.
They didn’t poll occupants of nursing homes?
if you think your kid is keeping you out of a nursing home i have news for you
better to make 3mil+ and get in a really good assisted living and a well payed lawyer
better to make 3mil+
This seems to be the logic stumble in the anti-natalist brain. “If I just don’t have kids, then I’ll be rich one day!”
At some level, you need to dismiss the fantasy of being rich in the future and think about being happy in the moment.
I spent five years fostering before we finally landed a permanent placement. I’ve had the pleasure of hosting kids from age 0 to 4. And I’ll say that the work of taking care of another person is so much more fulfilling than bullshit office work or some shitty service sector job.
I go to bed early and tired but satisfied, rather than staying up late and dreading the next day. I’m not counting the hours to a retirement 20 years from now. I’m focused on my son’s first words and steps.
Just like with dating or caring for a pet or visiting family abroad, the value isn’t bound by the money I’m spending. It’s about bonding with others and continuing a relationship I can only measure in hours together.
if you can’t afford retirement you can’t afford kids
also, sky diving without a parachute is real pretty if you ignore the landing
Plenty of people don’t live to retirement
and I too don’t wear my seatbelt because not everyone gets in a car accident
Or instead of banking on money and wealth to save you, just spend your money now, eat healthy, exercise and take care of your body.
It won’t matter if you’re 70 in an expensive care home and you don’t know your name. I have a few elderly wealthy relatives in my wife’s family who are in great care homes but have no clue where they are or who any one is.
And I’ve seen my fair share of people getting old in my family. It isn’t pretty when you are constantly unwell and then your mind eventually falters and then fails.
Better to enjoy what you have now regardless if you have kids or not because none of us are guaranteed a good healthy mentally stable old age.
You can add 1 more to their sample size that confirms this to be true.
Glad that you feel happy. How do you know that this version of you is more happy than a version of you with kids?
The study also said that people with children felt more fulfilled over all 🤷♀️
They measured basically immediate happiness and long term happiness. In immediate happiness, the child free group won. In longterm happiness, the parents won. Did a lot of research into that before deciding to have a baby.
Just gotta decide what works best for you and your life style
According to this study, after adjusting for income, having children is actually associated with higher happiness and well-being.
From a Psychology Today article that summarizes it:
However, household income may not be a good indicator of financial stress. A family with low income that lives in an area with a low cost of living might experience less financial stress than a family with a higher income that lives in an area with a much higher cost of living. Therefore, the researchers conducted an additional analysis in which they included a direct measure of whether or not the family experienced difficulties in paying bills in the last year. This analysis showed that difficulties in paying bills represented a central influence factor for the relation of having children and parental well-being. When the researchers statistically controlled for financial difficulties, having children was actually related to greater well-being in parents.
so having kids makes you happier as long as you can pay your bills?
Thanks for citing your resources, unlike others.
It’s all a bit of a cope, deep down there is this primal call that isn’t easily shrugged off. Well for some at least. I know that it will get stronger for me and stronger with each year.
I am not saying the purpose of humans nowadays is to make children nor that we should be reduced to such concepts but… it’s not easy to escape millions of years of evolution. It is definitely going against everything that screams “multiply” deep down and that will take mental health toll
I want us to go beyond this but it’s been a blink in the history, no one had time to accommodate to 21 century yet, it will take generations of turmoil and natural selection
As a parent to a little one right now… I can say that I rarely felt the “drive” to have kids. My SO was really let down that my initial reaction was anxiety over finances, for example.
That said, I don’t know if anything else could ever give me the kind of joy and happiness that just being able to love on my kid has brought me. If something happened to her I would be devastated.
But I also recognize that I’ve had to sacrifice a lot of personal freedom to be a good dad. I would never downplay that to “trick” people into wanting to be parents. It’s definitely a tradeoff, and especially difficult financially these days.
it’s not easy to escape millions of years of evolution
It’s insane that we’re tied down to instincts when we believe ourselves so rational and sophisticated.
But funnily enough, I don’t have that instinct? I’m more than happy to be an uncle and that’s as far as the train goes for me. I can’t see myself waking up with a child on my mind. So mad respect for those who commit and become wonderful parents. I think it takes a special kind of resilience that needs to be awakened when you’re expecting. Props for those who embrace it.
The only primal call I have is to fuck. I could not care less about actually having a kid as a result. If anything seeing how having kids has affected my friends ability to do so has made me want them even less.
That’s how the instinct works for guys. Then you have a little person to protect and it changes
Yup. Imagine a portable hype beast that loves all the same stuff you do.
Then you have a little person to protect
No thanks. I’ll watch out for other people’s kids if I’m around them but I don’t want to revolve my life around it.
Agreed. Never had any desire to have kids, still don’t. (The wife wants them, though.)
That said, when we had a pregnancy scare last week, my first thought was “well I’m 36; guess it’s time anyway”.
She was not pregnant. Which was relieving, because I don’t think it’s a wise decision to have children in today’s political landscape. That said, if it happens, it happens. I don’t think I’d have a meltdown over being a dad like I would have in my 20s.
I only have one biological kid, he is 29 now. The other 3 are step kids. What I realized is that, for reasons probably too long to go on here, is:
- I am terrible with small kids, the younger, the worse time.
- Teenagers are easier for me to deal with
- I don’t get that “it’s worth it” or “this is the most rewarding thing” feeling. I feel like I should have never had any kids.when I am doing things with kids I am generally thinking “I want to do something else” not involving kids.
- While I am much better about it these days, there was a 10 year period where i dispised kids, with my spouse, at the time, not making the situation better. I don’t hate children, in general, anymore, I am still pretty ambivalent about anyone else kids.
That being said I love my kids, none of the above is their fault whatsoever. However,I totally get why people do not want kids.
It’s likely because you’re damaged and hopefully the generational abuse could at least improve with you
Wtf.
The only people really thinking it’s “the most rewarding thing” are narcissistic psycopaths.
Nope, I love kids because they are so pure and that you can see how most people are good underneath all the shit. It’s tough to have kids, but it doesn’t contrast this whatsoever. Things go downhill fast for families where they don’t connect with their kids though, and for those that hasn’t had that, they will say things like you with vitriol because it’s hard to look in the mirror. Also, I happen to think it’s the most rewarding thing, but it’s maybe not everyone’s thing. But all people I met that hate kids have been abused even if they haven’t recognised it yet. The boomers were in my opinion really good at not perpetuating the fear and punishment as much, but for people in general to experience how grounded honest connected kids act we have a ways to go.
You should seek professional help.
I have a lot of professional help. Is that yet another trigger for you?
Oh no an american republican that thinks people are “triggered”.
I actually, literally, have no idea what you are getting at.
Dropped your /s mate. It doesn’t matter how clearly and objectively wrong the silly braindead sentiment you’re shitting out of your mouth is. No one will assume you’re being satirical. Everyone will just take your words at face value that you really are just a backward troglodyte mouth breathing waste of skin. But I’m willing to give you the benefit of a doubt that you said the dumbest fucking thing I’ve heard since last Wednesday in jest.
Mentally stable take on hating kids. Stay safe
You’re a dick
No, but you’re welcome anytime to become a better person
Joke’s on you! My kid came after I realized that capitalism is fucked and we’re probably gonna witness societal collapse within our lifetime. I wasn’t going places. I wasn’t going anywhere.
Now at least I’ve got something to look forward to.
You look forward to your child’s immense suffering under a collapsing society?
I don’t think a societal collapse will result in suffering, but rather a better society.
Well that’s not how it usually goes but here’s to optimism I guess.
I don’t think I will ever understand this mindset.
You decided to force a child to live through societal collapse because “it’s something to look forward to”.
Yikes.
I think that you focussmore on community. “Societal collapse” will probably be more like societal restructuring.
Empires falling is mostly only bad for the ones controlling the empire. Yes, things might get harder, but humankind will prevail and continue to find joy. Probably more joy in a post-capitalist world than I will in a capitalist one. Maybe it’s not my child who will enjoy that society, but my grandchild. But I have something to give to the next generation.
You’ll have to become more focused on community as the empire falls. but family is one hell of a community.
The first 3-5 years is incredibly stressful but it gets better as the kids are able to do more things for themselves and aren’t trying to kill themselves 24/7.
Yeah. I loved it when my kid got down to trying to kill itself (through sheer mind-bogglig stupidity, not igent) less than weekly. It really saves on energy, and makes bigger family adventures possible.
Just took my 3 year old to the hospital because I thought she had a concussion after climbing her sister’s walker and slipping backwards and hitting her head.
Turns out the vomiting was from a stomach virus thank god. Just bad timing.
I’m so tired.
Ganbatte!
year 10 here. just 30 more years until I’m dead.
Ooooo you’re about to re-enter the shitty zone in like 4 years when they turn into teens and start calling you Hitler for not letting them shoot fireworks out of the car sunroof.
no no. I’ll be the one shooting fireworks out of the car sunroof.
as mom drives and I scream out the top after dropping them off at school, “We love you so much baby! Go do your best!”
My god I feel you.
and aren’t trying to kill themselves
well…
